The Hottest Hot-Dog Recipes This Side of That Side

Cole’s Slaw-Dawgz (Makes 5)

Ingredients:

1. 5 All-Beef-and-Pork Hot-Dogs

2. 5 Edible Hot-Dog Holders (NOT BUNS. I cannot stress this enough. You tryna piss off the Goddess? ‘Cause that’s how you piss off the Goddess.)

3. An Appropriate Amount of Pre-prepared Coleslaw for as to Cover Them Dawgz

4. That’s it. What the hell else did you expect from this one?

Cooking Instructions:

1. Hot-Dogs are already fully cooked, so all you gots to do is heat ‘em up in a microwave or on the engine block of a running car. Do not boil them (Put that pot down. What is wrong with you?).

2. The Edible Hot-Dog Holders are already edible as well, and they do not require heating. Seriously, this shouldn’t be difficult. Pay attention.

3. Put a Dawg in a Holder. Put a Coleslaw on the Dawg. Put the resulting Cole’s Slaw-Dawg in your yapper. Put the teeth on the Cole’s Slaw-Dawg. Repeat until you can swallow that delicious mush without choking.

Chicago-Style Hot-Dogs (Makes 5)

Ingredients:

1. 5 All-Beef-and-Pork Hot-Dogs (If available, you may substitute the finger of a Chicagoan.)

2. 5 Edible Hot-Dog Holders which Include Poppyseed (NOT BUNS. I cannot stress this enough. You tryna piss off the Goddess? ‘Cause that’s how you piss off the Goddess.)

3. Wedge-Shaped Tomato Pieces

4. Mustard

5. Sweet Relish

6. An Onion That’s Seen Some Shit (Chop that fucker up.)

7. Dill Pickle Spear

8. I Don’t Know What A Sport Pepper Is, But Buy One

9. Celery Salt

10. Ketchup or Catsup (even the fancy kind) is Absolutely Verboten, Punishable by Death, Spanking, and Being Force-Fed the Ruined Dawgz, in That Order.

Cooking Instructions:

1. Hot-Dogs are already fully cooked, so all you gots to do is heat ‘em up in some boiling water for about 5 minutes.

2. The Edible Hot-Dog Holders are already edible as well, and they do not require heating. Seriously, this shouldn’t be difficult. Pay attention.

3. Put a Dawg in a Holder. Put the rest of the Bullshit listed above on the Dawg (what did you think we were gonna do with it? Wake up!). Eat the Dawg.

The Erisian Treat Dawg (Makes 1)

Ingredients:

1. 1 All-Beef-and-Pork Hot-Dog (Shouldn’t even have to list this, honestly.)

2. 1 Big-Ass Potato Bread Hot-Dog Bun

3. 1 Bag Popcorn

4. 1/5 Cup Candied Barberries

5. 1 Mackerel Filet (Breaded in Crumbled Croutons and Deep-Fried in Peanut Oil using a Charcoal Grill)

6. 1 Whole Garlic Clove

7. 1 More Whole Garlic Clove

8. 1 Clove Sprinkled with Garlic

9. 1 Thin Slice Rubing Cheese from the Yunnan Province of China (Must be authentic!)

10. 1 Cole’s Slaw-Dawg (Prepared Ahead of Time)

11. 1 Tsp. Black Truffle Oil

12. 5 Tbsp. Sriracha Hot Sauce

13. 23 Fennel Seeds, Ground

14. Any Seasoning with “Cajun” in the Name

15. Some of That Ridiculous Pink Himalayan Salt (Unused. Just for looking at.)

16. Some Regular Normal Salt

Cooking Instructions:

1. Wait until Friday.

2. The Hot-Dog is already fully cooked, so all you gots to do is heat it up in a solar oven.

3. The Hot-Dog Bun is already edible as well, and it does not require heating. If you didn’t already know this, then get an adult to help you. Jesus.

4. Combine Mackerel Filet, Garlic Clove, Other Garlic Clove, Clove Sprinkled with Garlic, Cole’s Slaw-Dawg, Black Truffle Oil, and Sriracha Hot Sauce in a blender and hit purée until the mixture reaches a lumpy, beef-stew-esque texture. This creates Spicy Mackerel Sauce. Set aside.

5. Line Big-Ass Potato Bread Hot-Dog Bun with the Thin Slice Rubing Cheese from the Yunnan Province of China (Must be authentic!)

6. Put the Dawg up in the Bun on the Cheese.

7. Slather the Dawg with the Spicy Mackerel Sauce.

8. Top Dawg with Popcorn and Candied Barberries

9. Season your blasphemous creation with Ground Fennel, “Cajun” stuff, and the Regular Normal Salt, to taste.

10. Throw That Ridiculous Pink Himalayan Salt away. Eat the Dawg.