posted Sep 8, 2018, 7:44 PM by oneclipleft
The Hottest Hot-Dog Recipes This Side of That Side
Cole’s Slaw-Dawgz
(Makes 5)
Ingredients:
-
5 All-Beef-and-Pork Hot-Dogs
-
5 Edible Hot-Dog Holders (NOT
BUNS.
I cannot stress this enough. You tryna piss off the Goddess? ‘Cause
that’s how you piss off the Goddess.)
-
An Appropriate Amount of
Pre-prepared Coleslaw for as to Cover Them Dawgz
-
That’s it. What the hell else did
you expect from this one?
Cooking Instructions:
-
Hot-Dogs are already fully cooked,
so all you gots to do is heat ‘em up in a microwave or on the
engine block of a running car. Do not boil them (Put
that pot down. What is wrong with you?).
-
The Edible Hot-Dog Holders are
already edible as well, and they do not require heating. Seriously,
this shouldn’t be difficult. Pay attention.
-
Put a Dawg in a Holder. Put a
Coleslaw on the Dawg. Put the resulting Cole’s Slaw-Dawg in your
yapper. Put the teeth on the Cole’s Slaw-Dawg. Repeat until you
can swallow that delicious mush without choking.
Chicago-Style Hot-Dogs
(Makes 5)
Ingredients:
-
5 All-Beef-and-Pork Hot-Dogs (If
available, you may substitute the finger of a Chicagoan.)
-
5 Edible Hot-Dog Holders which
Include Poppyseed (NOT
BUNS.
I cannot stress this enough. You tryna piss off the Goddess? ‘Cause
that’s how you piss off the Goddess.)
-
Wedge-Shaped
Tomato Pieces
-
Mustard
-
Sweet
Relish
-
An
Onion That’s Seen Some Shit (Chop
that fucker up.)
-
Dill
Pickle Spear
-
I
Don’t Know What A Sport Pepper Is, But Buy One
-
Celery
Salt
-
Ketchup
or Catsup (even the fancy kind) is Absolutely Verboten, Punishable
by Death, Spanking, and Being Force-Fed the Ruined Dawgz, in That
Order.
Cooking
Instructions:
-
Hot-Dogs are already fully cooked,
so all you gots to do is heat ‘em up in some boiling water for
about 5 minutes.
-
The Edible Hot-Dog Holders are
already edible as well, and they do not require heating. Seriously,
this shouldn’t be difficult. Pay attention.
-
Put
a Dawg in a Holder. Put the rest of the Bullshit listed above on the
Dawg (what
did you think we were gonna do with it? Wake up!).
Eat the Dawg.
The Erisian Treat Dawg
(Makes 1)
Ingredients:
-
1
All-Beef-and-Pork Hot-Dog (Shouldn’t
even have to list this, honestly.)
-
1
Big-Ass Potato Bread Hot-Dog Bun
-
1
Bag Popcorn
-
1/5
Cup Candied Barberries
-
1
Mackerel Filet (Breaded
in Crumbled Croutons and Deep-Fried in Peanut Oil using a Charcoal
Grill)
-
1
Whole Garlic Clove
-
1
More Whole Garlic Clove
-
1
Clove Sprinkled with Garlic
-
1
Thin Slice Rubing Cheese from the Yunnan Province of China (Must
be authentic!)
-
1
Cole’s Slaw-Dawg (Prepared
Ahead of Time)
-
1
Tsp. Black Truffle Oil
-
5
Tbsp. Sriracha Hot Sauce
-
23
Fennel Seeds, Ground
-
Any
Seasoning with “Cajun” in the Name
-
Some
of That Ridiculous Pink Himalayan Salt (Unused.
Just for looking at.)
-
Some
Regular Normal Salt
Cooking
Instructions:
-
Wait until Friday.
-
The Hot-Dog is already fully
cooked, so all you gots to do is heat it up in a solar oven.
-
The
Hot-Dog Bun is already edible as well, and it does not require
heating. If you didn’t already know this, then get an adult to
help you. Jesus.
-
Combine
Mackerel Filet, Garlic Clove, Other Garlic Clove, Clove Sprinkled
with Garlic, Cole’s Slaw-Dawg, Black Truffle Oil, and Sriracha Hot
Sauce in a blender and hit purée until the mixture
reaches a lumpy, beef-stew-esque texture. This creates Spicy
Mackerel Sauce. Set aside.
-
Line Big-Ass Potato Bread Hot-Dog Bun with the Thin Slice Rubing
Cheese from the Yunnan Province of China (Must
be authentic!)
-
Put the Dawg up in the Bun on
the Cheese.
-
Slather the Dawg with the
Spicy Mackerel Sauce.
-
Top Dawg with Popcorn and
Candied Barberries
-
Season your blasphemous
creation with Ground Fennel, “Cajun” stuff, and the Regular
Normal Salt, to taste.
-
Throw That Ridiculous Pink
Himalayan Salt away. Eat the Dawg.
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