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Ad Copy (Dissemble This Everywhere) (From The Discordianist Manifesto)

posted Sep 11, 2018, 7:26 PM by oneclipleft   [ updated Sep 11, 2018, 7:27 PM ]

Ad Copy (Dissemble This Everywhere)

Introducing the vehicle that will complete your life in ways you couldn’t have guessed were incomplete.

Elegant. Decadent. Savory.1 The new Fnord 2012 Mustank.

No matter what year it is, we still call it that, and this year we’re proud to unleash the 2019 line of Fnord 2012 Mustanks.

We first began calling it the 2012 Mustank in 2006 so as to sound all futuristic. We quickly realized that it would eventually sound retro, granting us the best of both marketing strategies. Jenkins got a huge bonus for coming up with it, that renegade language wrangler.

Features? It features more features than you can cram into its deceptively ample cargo area. The new 2019 Fnord 2012 Mustank delivers the futuristic-retro style you’re taught from birth to crave. The 27” Media Center Wheel-Mounted Touchscreen Display will make your eyes go off-road with delight (seriously, you’ll just die when you see it). Power steering. Power windows. Powertrain warranty. Powerhouse (if you plan to live in it).

And regular old power? Check it, losers.

The 2012 Mustank comes stuffed with so many horses you’ll think you became a Goddamn ranch hand. It’s packing so much torque you could reverse the rotation of the earth and still be burning rubber. It blazes from 0 to 60 so fast that you’ll arrive at work or McDonald’s (which may be the same place for you, no judgment) several minutes before you even cranked the engine. Who’s multitasking now, bitches? You are. You are the one who will be multitasking in the most literal sense imaginable.

So, giddy-up off your ass like the ranch hand you’re destined to be and pre-order one today. Besides, that neighbor you’re secretly jealous of already has two. His other car literally is his other car.

It’s musty. It’s stanky. What’s that smell?

It’s the 2019 Fnord 2012 Mustank, pay attention!

Available starting February of 2020 all for the low-low price of what a suburban house used to cost.

1  Despite being both decadent and savory, attempting to eat your 2012 Mustank will void all warranties, past and future.

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