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Comment, Like, and Subscribe (Links in the Description) (From The Discordian Manifesto)

posted Sep 16, 2018, 1:41 PM by oneclipleft   [ updated Sep 16, 2018, 2:00 PM ]

This article has been revised since its original posting on r/discordian. I think the original was worded in such a way that people were getting the wrong idea about it. Hopefully, that issue has been cleared up.


Comment, Like, and Subscribe (Links in the Description)

Hi there, audience people! I’m Wacky Internet Personality Man and/or Wacky Heavy-Makeup Boob Woman, and I’d like to take twenty minutes to say internet slang meme jokes about some niche topic that I am an expert on. Make sure to comment, like, and subscribe (links in the description).

Today, I’m going to say a list of 10 zany things I came up with for your viewing pleasure. I hope this list helps you momentarily forget your horrifying, pointless existence. As long as I use lots of quick-cuts in the video while screaming non-jokes and strange facial expressions, then you’ll probably return for more later this week. Before you know it, eleventy million of you will have Pavlov’s Dogged yourselves into showing up daily, eagerly awaiting the next dose of social commentary or pop-culture discussion. I promise to keep you informed. I promise to filter out the avalanche of bullshit for you all. So, go ahead and slippity-slap that like and subscribe button, and if you have a topic you want me to cover in a future episode, leave a comment below (links still in the description). Let’s get started together.

The Top 10 Ten-out-of-Ten Tens

  1. Am I a corporate shill masquerading as someone with ideas and personality?

  2. Super Metroid for the SNES

  3. This video of a raccoon trying to wash a piece of cotton candy before he partakes of its sweet, sugary flavor only to have it dissolve through his little raccoony fingers because humans are psychopathic monsters who only feel pleasure when witnessing another creature’s misfortune, confusion, and disappointment (link in the description).

  4. The Top 5 Villains from Nostalgic Pop-Culture-Thing-You-Like

    1. Voldemort

    2. Darth Vader

    3. Sephiroth

    4. The Joker

    5. The Council of Ricks

  5. Regular Metroid on the Regular NES.

  6. Metallica

  7. My career is made possible because of your attention. Please keep paying attention.

  8. Science, philosophy, physics, history, news, or politics.

  9. That video your friend keeps trying to get you to watch on his phone that you really don’t have time for because it’s 14 minutes long, but you watch it anyway because you’re a good friend.

  10. Viacom, AT&T, and Verizon.

But hey, you don’t have to take my word for it. Thanks for checking out today’s list everybody! Don’t forget to comment, like, and subscribe! I’ll be back next week with more wacky content, assuming some scandal doesn’t torpedo my career!1

1 One must be so careful about what one says in this industry. Many people are hostile to creatives who make money from their art.

A Utopia of Affnordable Comforts (From The Discordianist Manifesto)

posted Sep 14, 2018, 1:54 PM by oneclipleft

A Utopia of Affnordable Comforts

Recently, I dreamed of Utopia.

Sugar-infused rain fell from the sky thrice daily. Ad-streaming digital screens covered every building’s interior and exterior walls. Roads were widened to accommodate the newest line of ever-enlargening Fnord Eco-Terraformer XLT Platinum MAX Unlimited Urban Assault Vehicles (seats 14 comfortably!). Children everywhere sat alone, perfectly silent and still, learning exclusively of hugs, friendship, and feelings from saccharine cartoon characters via mandatory Brain-Chip Entertainment modules. Water fountains dispensed nacho cheese. Vending machines sold guns and ammo. All clothes were bulletproof. Every purchase, no matter how major or minor, was made affnordable through an infinite number of easy monthly payments.

At age 16, every citizen was granted a motorized scooter to facilitate movement and sent to Disneyland for three weeks to finish their primary education. The Dyson Sphere that encompassed the Earth was fully air-conditioned by siphoning coldness from Mars. Brain-Chip Entertainment implants made Mind-Messaging ubiquitous, so no one had spoken any word aloud in decades. 99% of all direct communication took the form of Spamvertisements, and the remaining 1% consisted of memes and emojis. Premiere nutritionists across the globe named chicken nuggets the only necessary food group. Corporate citizens voted God as World President every election. Genitals were outlawed alongside all forms of physical exertion. AI algorithms produced all art. Every week was Shark Week.

In short, the people were happy.

All of these societal improvements came not through science and scholarship, but through financial competition. As each new creature comfort and safety feature became normalized, vast wealth expenditure enabled a steady stream of comfort and safety innovations. Our corporate citizens met our organic citizen’s wants and needs instantly. If any new want was identified, it was immediately invented, mass-produced, and delivered as the appropriate monetary amount was deducted from that citizen’s account (contingent upon availability of funds). If some new want or need contradicted a previously solved want or need, automated robots fought a brief civil war to determine which solution became The Correct AnswerTM.

Upon waking from this utopian vision (there is no prophet but profit), I stepped outside in time to see my neighbor across the street wheeling down his driveway in his electric scooter to retrieve the day’s spam mail. As he absentmindedly leafed through the pile of credit card offers, coupon books, and debt consolidation loan pre-approvals, I smiled knowing that society was progressing toward that beautiful dreamworld I had seen.

Exactly as it should be.

I Found Some Sex Positions (From The Discordianist Manifesto)

posted Sep 11, 2018, 7:28 PM by oneclipleft

I Found Some Sex Positions

An intriguing subject line for a spam email, and the more I think about it, the more I can’t stop thinking about it. I hit “delete,” then instantly wanted to scream, wait fake internet lady! Tell me of your secrets! But, alas, he/she/it vanished along with the opportunity to spend my hard-earned cash on their self-admittedly secondhand sex positions. And it’s the secondhand nature of these sex positions that I can’t get out of my head. It burrows ever deeper like a Mongolian Death Worm1 seeking underground refuge from the frosty nights of the Gobi Desert. Consider the phrasing: I found some sex positions. This presents a whole buffet of burning questions (offering many strange dishes) and implies that the world is a far more wonderful and mysterious place than I had previously imagined.

For example, where did this individual find their secret sex positions? On the ground? Abandoned in the dumpster behind the Sex Position Mart, expired and flavorless? Where does one go to seek them out? In a temple guarded by elaborate traps? Could Indiana Jones whip-swing his way to finding some cursed, ancient pharaoh’s coveted pile of sex positions? One must wonder if this information is truly worth chancing identity theft and financial ruin. One must weigh the risk versus the reward. If sex positions are just scattered about waiting to be found, then perhaps we can mount an expedition to find them ourselves! Our Brave Email Scammer claims to have made just such a discovery, and if they can do it, so can we.

Point, the second: Brave Email Scammer (a.k.a. Fake Internet Lady) has kept the exact quantity of the found sex positions deliciously vague. After all, when you bait a mousetrap, you don’t then go blabbering on about exactly how much peanut butter you slathered on there, EH? DO YA? No. You let the mouse investigate that on their own until the crushing weight of their curiosity (represented by a spring-loaded metal death-bar) comes a-thwacking their fucking neck in twain. Remember the Associative Property of Scammification: If you can pull it on a mouse, then an internet scammer can pull it on you. QED: You are a mouse. So, Fake Internet Lady piques that mousey interest with the promise of sex positions (plural) without spoiling the surprise of just how many she might have on offer. To solve that mystery, money must change hands, you see. A-thwack.

Finally, the enigma of what Fake Internet Lady meant by the term sex positions itself taunts my imagination with images of heretofore undiscovered physical arrangements which produce forbidden pleasures unattainable by other, more pedestrian means. What could these positions look like? Would I need to stretch beforehand? How strong or limber must I become to taste of this dark fruit? I envision Fake Internet Lady in a bookstore, stroking her considerable beard, leafing through the most recently updated Karma Sutra, and shaking her head slightly with a knowing smile on her face. She knows these bland positions, and they are quite unlike the ones she discovered. Inferior and clumsy, the floundering attempts of the Karma Sutra cannot hope to capture the wild ecstasies of her sex positions, for truly fulfilling sex positions cannot be learned. They must be found. And, once found, they must be emailed to others for a nominal fee.

And I go and delete the email like an asshole. What a baboon! What clown shoes I wear! Let’s just hope she emails me again, like she already has 23 times this week.

1  Some people argue that Mongolian Death Worms don’t exist, and they are neither right nor wrong about that.

On The Elusion of the Straight Line (From The Discordianist Manifesto)

posted Sep 11, 2018, 7:28 PM by oneclipleft

On The Elusion of the Straight Line

If you’ve been paying attention, which you should if you don’t want a service interruption, then you may have noticed that everything in the illusion commonly known as reality may be separated into two general categories: Straight or Woozy.

The Straight category contains all the shapes of Order (lines, corners, walls, cubicles, edges, ledges, hedges, and wedges), and the Woozy category is filled all the squirrely shapes of Disorder (squiggles, scribbles, loops, hoops, poops, and the ampersand). We can acknowledge this distinction in many ways: man-made vs natural, organized vs disorganized, adult vs childlike, and so on and so forth and onward, forward, toward, and Edward. Although seemingly surrounded by the Straight, I submit that all Straight things are actually Woozy. True Straight lines are either an elusive illusion, or an illusive elusion. Or both, or neither. Or something else.

Consider the standard space-wasting hallway found in man-made environments like schools, homes, offices, and train stations. Straight (and narrow) lines abound, delineating floors, walls, ceilings, doors, signs, furniture, and where to stand if you need to wait for something (although the people lines are always dotted). However, are any of these lines truly Straight? Or are they simply less Woozy than the outline of a leaf or the tunnels of an ant colony?

If Earth’s surface curves, then so does every line running along it, no matter how slightly. If there are no True Straight lines, then what are we left with? Woozy lines are unaffected, though they may be just a hair woozier than we previously thought. Straight lines must then become Lesser Woozes or Sub-Arcs, which makes the whole world intrinsically subarctic.

Write down your name in any way you please. Is it not a glorious mash of Sub-Arcs and Woozes? Does not your own meat-filled body consist of Wooze-like shapes? So, shirk off any penchant for straightening things out. Don’t straighten up your room, straighten out your finances, straighten that tilting picture frame, or any of that mumbo-jumbo. Re-Woozify them instead!

After all, a pentagon is closer to a circle than you might think.

Ad Copy (Dissemble This Everywhere) (From The Discordianist Manifesto)

posted Sep 11, 2018, 7:26 PM by oneclipleft   [ updated Sep 11, 2018, 7:27 PM ]

Ad Copy (Dissemble This Everywhere)

Introducing the vehicle that will complete your life in ways you couldn’t have guessed were incomplete.

Elegant. Decadent. Savory.1 The new Fnord 2012 Mustank.

No matter what year it is, we still call it that, and this year we’re proud to unleash the 2019 line of Fnord 2012 Mustanks.

We first began calling it the 2012 Mustank in 2006 so as to sound all futuristic. We quickly realized that it would eventually sound retro, granting us the best of both marketing strategies. Jenkins got a huge bonus for coming up with it, that renegade language wrangler.

Features? It features more features than you can cram into its deceptively ample cargo area. The new 2019 Fnord 2012 Mustank delivers the futuristic-retro style you’re taught from birth to crave. The 27” Media Center Wheel-Mounted Touchscreen Display will make your eyes go off-road with delight (seriously, you’ll just die when you see it). Power steering. Power windows. Powertrain warranty. Powerhouse (if you plan to live in it).

And regular old power? Check it, losers.

The 2012 Mustank comes stuffed with so many horses you’ll think you became a Goddamn ranch hand. It’s packing so much torque you could reverse the rotation of the earth and still be burning rubber. It blazes from 0 to 60 so fast that you’ll arrive at work or McDonald’s (which may be the same place for you, no judgment) several minutes before you even cranked the engine. Who’s multitasking now, bitches? You are. You are the one who will be multitasking in the most literal sense imaginable.

So, giddy-up off your ass like the ranch hand you’re destined to be and pre-order one today. Besides, that neighbor you’re secretly jealous of already has two. His other car literally is his other car.

It’s musty. It’s stanky. What’s that smell?

It’s the 2019 Fnord 2012 Mustank, pay attention!

Available starting February of 2020 all for the low-low price of what a suburban house used to cost.

1  Despite being both decadent and savory, attempting to eat your 2012 Mustank will void all warranties, past and future.

The Hottest Hot-Dog Recipes This Side of That Side (From The Discordianist Manifesto)

posted Sep 8, 2018, 7:44 PM by oneclipleft

The Hottest Hot-Dog Recipes This Side of That Side

Cole’s Slaw-Dawgz (Makes 5)

Ingredients:

  1. 5 All-Beef-and-Pork Hot-Dogs

  2. 5 Edible Hot-Dog Holders (NOT BUNS. I cannot stress this enough. You tryna piss off the Goddess? ‘Cause that’s how you piss off the Goddess.)

  3. An Appropriate Amount of Pre-prepared Coleslaw for as to Cover Them Dawgz

  4. That’s it. What the hell else did you expect from this one?

Cooking Instructions:

  1. Hot-Dogs are already fully cooked, so all you gots to do is heat ‘em up in a microwave or on the engine block of a running car. Do not boil them (Put that pot down. What is wrong with you?).

  2. The Edible Hot-Dog Holders are already edible as well, and they do not require heating. Seriously, this shouldn’t be difficult. Pay attention.

  3. Put a Dawg in a Holder. Put a Coleslaw on the Dawg. Put the resulting Cole’s Slaw-Dawg in your yapper. Put the teeth on the Cole’s Slaw-Dawg. Repeat until you can swallow that delicious mush without choking.



Chicago-Style Hot-Dogs (Makes 5)

Ingredients:

  1. 5 All-Beef-and-Pork Hot-Dogs (If available, you may substitute the finger of a Chicagoan.)

  2. 5 Edible Hot-Dog Holders which Include Poppyseed (NOT BUNS. I cannot stress this enough. You tryna piss off the Goddess? ‘Cause that’s how you piss off the Goddess.)

  3. Wedge-Shaped Tomato Pieces

  4. Mustard

  5. Sweet Relish

  6. An Onion That’s Seen Some Shit (Chop that fucker up.)

  7. Dill Pickle Spear

  8. I Don’t Know What A Sport Pepper Is, But Buy One

  9. Celery Salt

  10. Ketchup or Catsup (even the fancy kind) is Absolutely Verboten, Punishable by Death, Spanking, and Being Force-Fed the Ruined Dawgz, in That Order.


Cooking Instructions:

  1. Hot-Dogs are already fully cooked, so all you gots to do is heat ‘em up in some boiling water for about 5 minutes.

  2. The Edible Hot-Dog Holders are already edible as well, and they do not require heating. Seriously, this shouldn’t be difficult. Pay attention.

  3. Put a Dawg in a Holder. Put the rest of the Bullshit listed above on the Dawg (what did you think we were gonna do with it? Wake up!). Eat the Dawg.



The Erisian Treat Dawg (Makes 1)

Ingredients:

  1. 1 All-Beef-and-Pork Hot-Dog (Shouldn’t even have to list this, honestly.)

  2. 1 Big-Ass Potato Bread Hot-Dog Bun

  3. 1 Bag Popcorn

  4. 1/5 Cup Candied Barberries

  5. 1 Mackerel Filet (Breaded in Crumbled Croutons and Deep-Fried in Peanut Oil using a Charcoal Grill)

  6. 1 Whole Garlic Clove

  7. 1 More Whole Garlic Clove

  8. 1 Clove Sprinkled with Garlic

  9. 1 Thin Slice Rubing Cheese from the Yunnan Province of China (Must be authentic!)

  10. 1 Cole’s Slaw-Dawg (Prepared Ahead of Time)

  11. 1 Tsp. Black Truffle Oil

  12. 5 Tbsp. Sriracha Hot Sauce

  13. 23 Fennel Seeds, Ground

  14. Any Seasoning with “Cajun” in the Name

  15. Some of That Ridiculous Pink Himalayan Salt (Unused. Just for looking at.)

  16. Some Regular Normal Salt


Cooking Instructions:

  1. Wait until Friday.

  2. The Hot-Dog is already fully cooked, so all you gots to do is heat it up in a solar oven.

  3. The Hot-Dog Bun is already edible as well, and it does not require heating. If you didn’t already know this, then get an adult to help you. Jesus.

  4. Combine Mackerel Filet, Garlic Clove, Other Garlic Clove, Clove Sprinkled with Garlic, Cole’s Slaw-Dawg, Black Truffle Oil, and Sriracha Hot Sauce in a blender and hit purée until the mixture reaches a lumpy, beef-stew-esque texture. This creates Spicy Mackerel Sauce. Set aside.

  5. Line Big-Ass Potato Bread Hot-Dog Bun with the Thin Slice Rubing Cheese from the Yunnan Province of China (Must be authentic!)

  6. Put the Dawg up in the Bun on the Cheese.

  7. Slather the Dawg with the Spicy Mackerel Sauce.

  8. Top Dawg with Popcorn and Candied Barberries

  9. Season your blasphemous creation with Ground Fennel, “Cajun” stuff, and the Regular Normal Salt, to taste.

  10. Throw That Ridiculous Pink Himalayan Salt away. Eat the Dawg.

Potentially Useless Proverbs (From The Discordianist Manifesto)

posted Sep 8, 2018, 7:42 PM by oneclipleft

Potentially Useless Proverbs

Yea, so I say unto you, go ye to the house of my brother. There ye shall find my brother there.

Seek not to be listened to, respected, or even understood. That’s their problem, man.

When in doubt, double down and doubt harder. When not in doubt, get in doubt!

Every man-made object now exists to advertise a different man-made object.

It’s never too late to change your mind (unless you’re dead or comatose or something).

If a lie rhymes or alliterates, people will both believe it and spread it as Truth.

Regardless of whether something is considered True or False, it may always be made irrelevant.

If something cannot be made irrelevant, it can always be made irreverent.

If something cannot be made irreverent, then it cannot be made.

The only thing one truly must pay is attention.

Getting bent out of shape is impossible. No matter how you bend, you are always in a shape.

If you make a comprehensive list of all the things you can’t do, the first item must be “Make a comprehensive list of all the things I can’t do.”

New Writing Section

posted Sep 8, 2018, 7:41 PM by oneclipleft

Hi all,

I created this section awhile back, but wasn't sure if I was going to keep it. Well, today I decided to move forward with it since I've been doing a lot more writing lately, and there aren't many places I can make that content easily available (if anyone wants it, that is). I am currently working on a short e-book in the Discordianism tradition. I will go ahead and post some of the "articles" from that book because I've been posting them over at the Discordianism subreddit. Go check it out, it's a fun place to browse around.

I have also recently submitted a short story to Ploughshares's Emerging Writer's Contest. If I get rejected (which is incredibly likely), then I may post that story here as well along with some others that didn't quite make the publishing cut. Anyway, if you like short stories, insane articles, and sometimes kooky bad poetry, then this writing section is for you. If not, there's always the music and gamedev stuff going on, too. Peace!

-OCL

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